"We all know that if we are to live ourselves, there comes a time when we must reluinquish our dead, let them go, keep them dead. Let go of them in the water. Let them become the photograph on the table. Knowing this does not make it any easier to let go of them in the water."
When we moved into our flat I kept my bed low, down on the floor, so that Kuba could easily access it. She loved sleeping in it and I loved having her close to me. Since the day she passed away, I've kept all of her things where they've always been. My bed, too. By doing so, I felt like I kept a part of her here with us. I have sniffed her fleece coat over and over again looking for comfort. And Ben has snuggled up in it, too. I've been holding on to it, like a baby to it's security blanket. Yesterday when I passed it where it was hanging on the wall, I instinctly put my hand on it and leaned in. But there was nothing of her left. Instead of the smell of Kuba, I got the smell of something that needed to be washed. And it broke my heart...again. That made me realize it's time. Time to carefully wash, fold and put her belongings away. Time to screw the legs back onto the bed. Time to stop holding on to things to try to stay close to her, because that is just fooling myself. Basically; Time to let her become the photograph on the table.
Trying to keep her alive through her belongings, will just result in my heart breaking again and again. By keeping her on the table, on the wall and in my heart and fully accepting that she has left this life, I can no longer fool my mind into believing I still have a part of her with me, just by hanging on to a fleece coat. And thereby I wont get these heartbreaking reminders of the lack of her presence. But as Joan said: "Knowing this does not make it any easier to let go of them." Because who wants to let go? Who wants to say goodbye? I still every day get struck by this intense feeling of needing her. Of needing to hug and kiss and touch her. It can't be true that I will never hear her paws on the floor ever again... 💔